Well, friends, it has been a long time since I have written anything, so I guess it’s about time (in more ways than one).
The last few months have been a difficult time. For those of you who don’t know, I have had ongoing headaches and dizziness for over two months now. After 3 weeks, I was told it was probably allergies, after 6 weeks, I was told it was probably sinus and stress. At 7 weeks, my right cheek when numb and I was sent to a neurologist. Two weeks later, I was also having numbness and tingling in my right hand and foot. The neurologist sent me for a CT scan.
Two weeks ago, I had the scan (and an allergic reaction to the contrast dye that they put through an IV into my veins!). Today, I found out that apparently my brain is normal. Who would have thought? Me.
Anyway, it looks like we are back to chalking this one up to sinus/allergies and stress. Which is fine by me. Beats a brain tumour any day of the week ;).
Probably the most stressful part of the last few months was waiting. Waiting to see if the headache/dizziness would go away on its own, waiting to see if the various medications would do the trick, then waiting to see the neurologist, waiting to get the CT scan, waiting in various Dr.’s offices, hospital waiting rooms, and then waiting for the results.
I know that nobody likes to wait, but I am especially bad at it. I worry, I fret, and I pace. If cells had feet, all of mine would be tapping. But, all of this waiting has taught me a few important lessons.
First, waiting is best done in the company of friends. I have never been more aware of how extremely fortunate I am to have great friends who will listen to my fears and phobias without judgement. Thanks, especially to J, S and my wonderful sister C for getting into my head and for taking me outside of it!
Second, waiting can eat you alive if you let it. It will eat up every breath and consume every thought. Waiting has a voracious appetite and will stop at nothing until it devours every moment until the dreaded/anticipated deadline arrives. But, life is bigger than waiting and living is the only way to stop it in its tracks.
Lastly, waiting is actually counterproductive. It serves no purpose. All of the energy that we spend on waiting is wasted energy. It has been a very gradual process, but I have learned to let go of the waiting and just live my life. I have realized that we often look to the future and miss out on experiencing fully the ‘in the meantime.’ I am learning to focus on the moment and live it! Life does not wait for us, and I’ll be damned if I’ll wait for it. ;)
