At loose ends...

I’m feeling restless. Now, this isn’t exactly the same as being bored. I think I’m feeling what my mom used to call ‘at loose ends.’ I’m not really sure what that etymology of that phrase is, where it came from or even what it means, but it certainly feels right to me at the moment.

I am all loose ends, dangling uselessly. I feel like no matter what direction I head in, I am still walking with all these loose ends just hanging out for everyone to see. Now, that’s an odd picture, isn’t it? It’s the only one I can paint here that seems to capture at all what it is that I am feeling.

Maybe it is because lately I’ve been thinking about love. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m really not very good at it, at least not in the romantic sense. I absolutely love my kids, my family and my friends. Beyond that, I guess you could call me a late bloomer. Or at least that is what I like to think on my more optimistic days.

But on less optimistic days, I start to think that some people are artistically inclined, some people are mathematically inclined, others are romantically inclined and the lucky ones get to have more than one inclination. I, on the other hand, have limited artistic talents, am mathematically stunted and romantically DEclined.

So, what can I do? I’ve had friends tell me that I overanalyze things. Maybe they are right, but my analysis component doesn’t seem to have an off switch. It’s how I’m hard wired. Other friends have told me that my standards are just too high. I guess a pulse is too much to ask for?

So, whenever I start to think about falling in love, I realize that maybe I will always be at loose ends. And it makes me a little sad and a little restless. But I know there are worse things than being alone. It certainly is better than having those ends all tied up in knots with the wrong person. Settling is just not an option. Settling? I’m a frayed knot.