To Do

Yesterday was one of those days. I got home, logged onto my computer and there was so much coming at me that all of a sudden I found myself in a state of panic. My date for writing my comp exam was set, and I realized that I was missing crucial books. I realized that my all important Program Record had not been taken care of, as it was supposed to have been. The file I promised to send to my colleague/boss/friend had mysteriously vanished from my computer. I had a list of tasks that seemed to explode out of the sides of my laptop and I swear began reaching bony fingers in my direction. I felt the cold fingers of panic rise up in my chest. My stomach tried valiantly to take up residence in my throat. The resulting effect was that I wanted to throw up, but trying to catch a breath took priority.

All of the panic, fear and desperation bubbled up inside of me and I kept letting little bits out at a time. Explaining to my wonderful friend J that I lost her file. Telling my other great friend S that I was terrified about the looming deadline for my comp exam. Emailing colleagues and friends to ask for help with upcoming commitments. Support came from all directions and gradually my list of missing books began to shrink, the file once again materialized in a ‘temp’ folder somewhere and my list of ‘to do’s gradually got a little bit shorter.

So, I could end here and maybe you could glean from all of this that a) I shouldn’t have gone into such a tailspin in the first place, as I have LOTS of support available, b) it’s okay to lean on other people when things feel out of your control or c) a clearer mind is a more productive mind. All of these are great lessons to learn, and lessons that I keep bumping up against, and I believe will keep bumping up against until I finally ‘get it.’ But, something else occurred to me today while I was at yoga (while at yoga I tend to learn a lot when I am actually supposed to be learning other things).

During quiet time, a time we are supposed to clear our minds of all the outside stresses and listen to the messages our bodies are trying to communicate to us, I was making lists. The dreaded ‘to do’ list was clicking away in my brain. I kept thinking about all I had “to do.” I need to do the dishes that are piling up in my sink. I need to do the reading for my comp so I don’t feel so unprepared. I need to do some grocery shopping so that I have more choice than crackers or mini-wheats. I need to do my TA job, my RA job, my Mommy job. I need to do.

And then I stopped, tried to turn off the *click, click* of the mental list and listen to my body. My breath echoed ‘to do,’ my heart thudded ‘to do.’ And I wondered why I couldn’t turn off the ‘to do’ list. Why I was so overwhelmed by what I had ‘to do.’ And then I realized that I am often so busy do-ing that I have forgotten what it means to experience. I decided right then and there, that I was going to go home and throw away my ‘to do’ list and make a ‘to experience’ list in its place. And tonight when I walked home in the pouring rain, I didn’t worry about getting from Point A to Point B. Instead, I experienced the cold exhilarating rain on my face, felt it drip down the back of my neck and send shivers down my spine.

So, tonight I made my list, not of what I have to do tomorrow, but of what I get to experience. The list of tasks didn’t change, but my outlook did. So, let me ask you: What are you going to experience tomorrow?