Letting go and hanging on

As some of you may have noted, this blog is about life lessons. In particular, I am especially interested in learning around embracing that which I seek to escape and escaping that which I seek to embrace. Sounds a bit odd, huh?

This all started with a realization that, for me, the biggest stumbling blocks to growth have been my two ongoing responses to fear. First, is my tendency to run away. Second, is my tendency to hold on too tight. So, I don’t mean literally that I want to embrace all those things I seek to escape, or that I should run away from all those things I hold on tightly to. What I mean, is that I need to metaphorically embrace the fears, at least long enough to determine whether or not they are a real threat to me. Likewise, I need to escape my tendency to hold on too tightly so that I can determine whether I need to simply loosen my grip or if I am actually safer letting go completely.

I am definitely in the right line of work to learn these lessons, as grad school is really a series of lessons in ‘learning to embrace that which we seek to escape and to escape that which we seek to embrace.’

When I began grad school, I have to admit that I was running from a lot of fears. My greatest fears, for instance, were that I would never be smart enough, that I would never finish and that I would drown in my debt. Grad school has taught me:

1. That I never want to be smart enough. The day I think I know it all, is the day that I am obsolete.
2. That I will never, ever, finish. Grad school simply prepares us for a career of constant learning, new forms of evaluation and more complex ‘grading schemes’
3. That drowning in debt is a fear worth embracing, as feeling the pull of the water is a great motivation to head for shore, or at least to tread water faster.

On the other hand, when I started grad school, I was also holding on very tightly to other things that I was afraid of losing. I was terrified of losing my independence, my creativity, and my beliefs. Grad school has taught me:

1. That true independence doesn’t need to be held so tightly. Learning what others have to teach me, both academically and about ‘real life’ has made me realize that I can only become stronger by acknowledging my weaknesses, by leaning on others and by working with others.
2. That creativity takes many forms. That sometimes my desire to write creatively was simply a desire to dress up what I feared was substandard academic work. What I learned was that for me, true creativity is about finding new ways to be understood, new ways to stand behind my own ‘truths’
3. That losing my beliefs is only possible if I refuse to change them or to let them change me. For instance, I believed that the biggest goal of research was to change or improve the lives of those I studied. I had all of these grand ideas about doing research that changed lives, that made a real difference in people’s lives. My MA research sits in a mini-filing cabinet on a few mini-sheets of semi-transparent film. I will probably never know if anyone reads it or if it would matter if they did. And yet, doing the research has changed me. What I have learned has made me more committed, more passionate and better equipped to do what really matters to me. To teach and to learn. I learned that my ability to change the world is only as great or as small as my ability to be changed. My ability to teach is only as great or small as my ability to learn.

So, these are a few of life’s lessons I have learned while at grad school. But in an effort to not paint too rosy of a picture, I wanted to leave you with a few other lessons I have learned. I have learned that:

1. Sometimes reading academic work is simply an exercise in watching other people masturbate onto a page.
2. Sometimes writing academic work is simply an exercise in letting other people watch.
3. I’m not the only one who hides behind big words.
4. You can survive for weeks on end with nothing in your cupboard but mini-wheats and canned peas.
5. Playing King of the Hill has undergone a revival. It isn’t just for playschool anymore.
6. Volunteering is not always voluntary.
7. My academic success (relative as it is) is directly related to my failure as a housekeeper.
8. Having balance in one’s life is less about a proper ratio of fun to work and more about a change in definition of what fun is. I have lots of fun = I enjoy a little intellectual sado-masochism as much as the next person.
9. Procrastination is a necessary tool of survival.
10. So are friends.